We’re driving home into the wilds of Maine  and start to lose the radio signal.  As I go to change the station, my daughter stays my hand, saying, quietly, “let’s see what happens.”  

It’ll be fuzzy and annoy the  *-*! out of me!  I think, but then, another part of me, the sometimes distant part of me, that is always looking for windows to leap through into Fun and More Fun agrees with her and so, we wait.  

At first, it just wanes, and static cracks in and out of the rap song involving big old bootays. And that small rigid part of me that hates gaps and wants everything clean and done all the time feels vindicated, ah ha!  I was right!  NOTHING happened and therefore I was right and your curiosity was wrong!   (I’m not proud of the response, but include for story texture)  

Just as I turn to look at her, knowingly, one song fades out on the lyrics, “…me so horny” and a new song faded in on the words “…my baby calls and says I NEED YOU HERE” and then static.  Persephone laughs out loud, probably feeling vindicated as shit, but too much a lady to say I told you so.  I drop my hand.  How interesting.

Now I’m not t trying to talk myself into being curious, I’m just curious.  The deeper we go into the woods, the more the songs butt into each other, with sometimes fantastic interchanges back and forth, my favorite being;

The road has got me hypnotized
And I’m speeding into a new sunrise  …   So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!

You know how sometimes you’ll be in the middle of an experience and you’ll know, even then, there’s a moral to this story.  I had that sense powerfully while I was listening, with bated breath, to see what happens next.  I just can’t decide what the moral is.

There is something really glorious about my powerful kid asking for a moment of curiosity and full presence rather than rushing through to known states, her adventure mindset.  It’s so pretty, and it’s so freaking nice for me to have comrades who continually ask me to play more fully in my now.  When I think of my kids I feel like Maria in The Sound of Music singing (one inch from the Captain’s chin)

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

The deeper interest for me was around how painful it was for me to be in split frequencies, how I had a really hard time lining up with either experience because I was stuck between both, and being pulled apart in two directions.  

As I felt into my life, I found like six or seven decisions that I’ve been kicking my heels about making and really lining up with and seeing how that’s creating static in my beingness that really dampens the fun.  It’s also keeping me from going gung ho, which is my favorite way to go.  As the song Radar Love pulled ahead in the race and Big Butts faded away completely, I felt myself relax into the Radar Love.

“When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current 
that will carry him to places he had 
never dreamed of when he first made the decision.”
Paul Coelho From The Alchemist

And fall in love, anew with the power of a whole hearted decsion.  I like that the song Radar Love won, because it’s a song all about decision, all about fucking going for it, driving through the night to answer the call.  I began to fall in love with momentum in all those areas where my small, gap fearing self had been protecting me from taking some yummy leaps and going with the Great Goingness.

Later that night I let myself sit with some of those Need To Be Made/Let Go of/Downstreamed decisions and did some work to line up with them, to find the wonderful stuff that I was deciding for and moving towards, I began to feel more playful.  I felt lighters, surer, more available, less hampered, less Weird.  My daughter’s playfulness and capacity to explore and be curious in a gap had opened a space for me to be more who I really am.

If you have a playful darling in your life, who interrupts your sleeping, find some way to playfully thank them, or to interrupt them in kind.  What kind of Grateful Heart ninja shit can you get up to this week?

All my love,
Natalie