I WANT to be the gal who navigates intuitively through her life like a star pirate captain, hearing bright new buzzes and fearlessly responding, weaving in and out of dangerous new galaxies in the nick of time.
But I don’t actually know how to do that, in almost all areas of my life.
I am, in this moment, resisting the urge to google “how to live more intuitively” because that’s how much I don’t actually know how to live a life that way. Do I KNOW that that’s the way to go about things? Yesh, yesh I have read the memes. Yes I watch Super soul sunday. P.s. I am only managing not to google it because I made all my kids hide my devices and am writing longhand. #expert@selfcontrol #zerohashtagskillz
It’s also fun to note that I discovered the depths of my befuddlement while teaching a class on the stuff. Not awkward at all. (in my defense, the urge to do the class was nearly overwhelming, and the generous participation of my students created the most downstream path to the clarity I was seeking).
I also didn’t know that was what I was really teaching. My mind thought it was guiding people through the framework of The Player’s Way. My mind didn’t know that the player’s way is and always has been, the intuitive way. My heart knew all along, my heart has always known.
To be fair, I have led a pretty divinely led life, and encountered miracles almost daily since I was a wee teen. But there was something new about the on purposeness of this event that thrilled me. A lot of my earlier experiences felt nearly out of control and wobbly with doubt, and barely letting it in kind of stuff.
From my journal: January 23rd, On the rocks at Kettle Cove
this morning I recognized a signal. Not precisely that I have signals, and am connected to a much larger thing (duh), but I actually consciously recognized what it feels like, in real time, to appropriately and fully respond to the conversation a signal is inviting me into. Very similar to how it feels to respond to a hungry child, tugging at my leg in the kitchen wanting an apple, I listen, I feed, life moves forward, and the integrity and elasticity of the conversation remains intact.
Simple jaunt along the shore that had turned rock climby. The nearly always present choir of voices singing their various anthems in my head were in a relative harmony and my attention drifted more and more to the wind coming off the ferocious and unrelentingly turquoise ocean. I felt freshly greedy to have more of that wind. I wanted to take my jacket off. And let it have at me. Morely. Forever morely.
I note my state of being because I fidn it’s easier to hear and properly translate intuitive urges when you’re not crackling with anxiety.
Then I heard it. Or more, felt it, an anxious feeling in my belly when I thot of taking a particular direction in my life, one that had been up for me for a week or so.
And then the revolutionary thing happened: I said okay, we don’t go that way.
I’m just gonna listen. Hungry child, apple. Simple.
I’m hearing that, for whatever reason, this is a no-go right now. I’m not going to give it another thought or explain my decision, not even to myself. I’m gonna give the kid the apple and move on. I’m gonna trust the system, trust the urges, trust my bright yesses and not get overly fascinated by my no’s, and generally trust my higher self leading me along the pathways that are best for me.
It’s easy to get really sweet on what is a no. It feels irksome and the urges to give it a lot of attention can be nearly overwhelming. When we set up our mental basecamp around a No, we locate our energy and the conversation of our life around the wrong question, and begin to drift and steer haphazardly, without that compass twang of being on path.
I should note that the idea made every logical sense in the world. The new proposed business plan was both magical and logical AND an answer to some of my recent askings. In other words, it should be a hell yes, but it made my tummy feel nervous in the not fun way, and every time I thought of moving ahead with it I got those cave walls falling in feeling that comes when I’m going in the wrong direction.
In hindsight, I can see that if I had not acted on that intuitive intel, and had powered through and done it anyway, I would now be extricating myself, dramatically, from that situation now because the people who were involved have had a major change of life and are not ready to form that level of partnership.
I see now that my higher self up ahead was putting out a long and lusciously far reaching beacon for me to see and follow.
Pause to feel the depths of my gratitude for that listening. What an extraordinary self kindness. Thank you past self, thank you.
Why am I making such a big deal about this? Because I think we’ve lost familiarity with the conversation our higher guidance is trying to have with our daily lives and only access that wisdom in sporadic moments of mediation or in retreats. Our daily intuitive muscles have atrophied from self doubt and misuse.
It all sounds so simple. And so obvious, like, what the hell else would you do? But in practice, it can feel SO DIFFICULT to hear an inspired urge and act on it. It can feel like trying to become a barnacle or to win a hot air balloon race without a balloon, like, even a little red latex one, never mind a hot air one with a basket n’ shit.
We live such beautifully booming and full lives. There is SO much to compel our attention and we know that where our attention goes, so goes our life, so, it’s a radical act of self love to learn how to give more and more of our attention to the total conversation that these inspired urges are ultimately inviting us into. And not to do it half heartedly, but with total swag. The way a playa might make it rain in a club or how Beyonce might do, well, everything she does. Boom. Doing it. Doing my Real Life, listening for urges, and following them. The end. Boomity boom boom.
Next up: How to actually work out those intuitive muscles via play